Scotsman Blog 23rd Aug

Specialist Services

There is a red converted transit van sits opposite our flat in Spey Terrace.  It has three back seats, a la people carrier, and behind that a large storage area.  On the side it says ‘Targetted butt Services’.  There are gaps on either side of ‘butt’ suggesting four missing letters before and two behind.  There’s no single word which fits the gaps, and to compound this, the message on the other side is exactly the same.  It belongs to a company called Stanley Odd.

What on earth can it be?  I spent some time thinking about it – it’s the sort of thing which keeps me awake at night – and I’ve decided it must be part of the new, patient-oriented NHS.  More-flexible, but above all cheaper. 

What I think I’ve stumbled on is a pilot scheme for a mobile colonic irrigation and prostate reduction unit.  This idea is reinforced by the words ‘doo doo’ which appear on the front wing.  Now, instead of going to the Infirmary and waiting for hours, you can climb into the back of the van and have your butt sluiced out from a small water tank, using a garden hose.  Or if you bend over, you can have your prostate shaved or your piles removed with the aid of a cold chisel. 

(Obviously there isn’t room for the elaborate equipment and surgical procedures you would find in a hospital.  But these are hard times, and we all have to make sacrifices.  At least you can lie down on the back seats afterwards to recover. ) 

And the service comes to you.  Maybe even on demand.  Maybe there’s a number you can phone or text, or a website – ‘I feel like a bit of a purge, can you come round this afternoon?’

Talking about websites, there is one given on the side of the van, but I don’t like to look it up.  It would destroy the magic. 

Peter Scott-Presland is the author and performer ofLocked In’ (Venue 53 till Aug 25th at 12.50) and the author/director of ‘Strip Search’ (Venue 54 until Aug 25th at 23.05)




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